I kneel in awe

I had a recurring vision.  One day there would be a knock on my door and he would be standing there. I knew he would come. His identity was not known, only his essence and fading impression what would become of us upon meeting.

I held true to my faith.  The world will be amazed when it witnesses how one man and one woman, who really love each other, are able to touch so many lives and achieve so many things. Despite the cold, hard winter, this knowing kept me warm. 

Before his arrival there were many deaths.  Physical ones and metaphysical ones. I cancelled the summer.  There were no retreats, no guests, no travelling – it was time for me; it was time to listen. I sensed a profound and far reaching change. A part of me was dying, and a new part waiting to be born.

My soul whispered of a great reawakening. I knew to stay quiet, to stay still.  Someone somewhere wished to speak to me.  A revelation was at hand. 

It was my mother’s birthday when he arrived. I saw him sitting on the step warming his face in the sun. He didn’t know I was there. I stood motionless, knowing everything was about to change. I drank in the still moment, watching poetically as he fiddled with his rucksack as his curls glinted in the haze.

Silence. Only breath…and presence.

“Pete”

He stood up and opened his arms. His smiling face shone as he welcomed me into his embrace. Breathing, settling, trusting, softening, allowing, witnessing… delighting. In his arms there was so much comfort, so much peace. No talking, just holding – for what seemed like forever. I entered Heaven.  Not as some otherworldly place, beyond the skies.  But right here, in this moment, with the friend I had just made.

I don’t remember a significant moment, or conversation, nor turning point when our friendship transfigured into lovers.  It was as if we were picking up where we left off, we knew no other way to be. He instantly entered my life, and I instantly entered his. 

Within minutes of embracing we were driving to the post office.

Two days later Pete was moving on.  I had a retreat to facilitate and he had friends to be with.  We left one another with the promise of his return. We had no idea when, just a sense that one day we may be together.

I neither held on, nor pushed aside.  I simply was…

The eve before he left he asked to spend one more night with me. He said he was prepared to walk to my house as darkness drew near, and leave before dawn. This was going to take him hours. But he was insistent that he was choosing to come. With the precious few hours that were ours we held one another in the candlelight. There were hardly any words.  We held, rocked and soothed one another as we breathed each other’s breath. Flooded with gratitude for one more night.

The following day around the time of his departure he called me.  I thought it was a final goodbye, just killing some time before his train rolled into Carcassonne. But no, that was not reason!

He was calling because he needed to know how I felt if he decided to stay. He explained that “some retreats had been cancelled and there was technically no reason to return, and…”

“Yes, Yes, Yes.” I shouted down the phone, “Stay!”  

And so he did.

That night he walked over 50km in the dark, in a storm, back to area where I lived.

I had no idea.  I was mid retreat. I thought a friend would pick him up.

How do I feel about this? I kneel in awe.  I feel so small against the power of my prayers.  I held onto the flame, I enshrined my faith in my heart and soul… I did not let go ever, of what I knew would one day come to me. Despite an almost crushing dark night, I held onto the flame.  Love Conquers All.  I learned to love myself, sincerely and kindly and this love that I finally turned upon myself is now so joyously spilling over.

What I am noticing is that “I” do not love ‘him.’   All the life that surrounds me (the mountains, the caves, the valleys) love him.  I Am That I Am. My whole existence is ‘in love’ with his existence.  There is no veil, no separation. And in that we are NONE. I can’t even use the word One anymore.  Because it’s beyond that…

And so resting in that awe and wonder… I extend myself in every direction and say:

Thanks be to God. Thanks be to this Soul.  Thank you, both of us, for our courage, our faith and our loyalty to Reality.

I Am your ever present Grail Queen, Friend and Resting Place.