But first off, I gotta say - it is Epic. It is Full On. And there is nothing you can do, but surrender. This is easily the most immense transformation I have ever encountered.  It makes my time with baby guru monster seem like kindergarten. Saturn's return, a mere glitch and puberty, a slightly bumpy ride.

This, my beloved friends, is a whole nother beast. 

The reason I woke up laughing was because I saw myself dancing to "Fame, I'm going to live forever" whilst doing one of those high leaps as you tack your heels to the butt and raise your arms off to one side in the air.  Complete with leotard and footless tights, I was all hair and spangle.  And I guess this image captured what I thought. That I would be youthful and fancy-free forever. Especially as I witnessed the majority of my friends having children and creating family life. I oo'ed, and ah'ed, eeked and yiker's when I saw the colossal change in my friends and felt relief when it was all over and was left to my peace and quiet.  Me, on the other hand, well, I was living a gipsy's life in the French Pyrenees writing books and wearing a kaftan. I would grow old glamorously, with young lovers and intoxicating love-affairs, right?  Wrong! 

What I didn't realise, was how Grandmother Crone was rubbing her hands with an extra special glint in her eye, preparing an extra-special and well overdue female transformation, for the one, who thought she had escaped the net! 

Okay, let's have some facts. I guess you could say I have been in peri, and now menopause for five years.  3 years of perimenopause was a time of increased emotional irritability and mood swings.  Shit, even I didn't recognise myself. I was just .... dark!  And, I kinda' liked it.  

Then there was a pause and my own self returned.  Yay!  I was joyful and Light again.  I even said ridiculous things like "I'm out of the menopause" and "Well, it wasn't too bad".   I had my hormones done, and it was confirmed - I was the other side of mid day.  "Yay - it's over," I thought to myself. 

Grandmother Crone laughed madly at that one, as she reached for the HEAT  dial. 

And so after some peaceful rest bite.  The next stage rumbled into town. And in came the hot flushes, heart palpitations and personality switch. And this, this is where the freakin furnace of transfiguration happens! 

These hot flushes are just like Kundalini surges.  And so, I have been paying attention to them.  Closing my eyes when they appear, tracing their path and inwardly affirming - 'well there goes another false part'.  Because I can see, they are incinerating the inauthentic me.  Because I say Yes to this.  If I was afraid of them, or taking hormones to suppress them, then I suspect when they come - because they will come - it's going to be more intense.  You cannot stop this - this is Life.  It's bigger than any of us.

The other day I was speaking to a stranger in a cafe, and one came mid-sentence (laughing again) and so I had to say something.  I mean - I was bright red, sweating and engorged with blood.  If I didn't say anything, the woman would have thought I was about to self-combust.  And so I shared and we just laughed, she was older, and so she knew...

The other point I want to make, and has been a game changer is the necessity to retreat, to turn in and make a physical and inner space for yourself, to be alone.  Again, like the hot flushes, we have to surrender.  Menopause is a metamorphosis at a cellular level.  It mirrors the classical stages of Initiation; isolation, death and rebirth.  We have to make time for solitude, to really be the Ancient Grandmothers that are stirring the cauldron. 

I am now sleeping alone, and my bedroom is my Womb.  It is exactly as I want it.  Candles, perfumes, spacious, warm and potent. Every night I climb into bed a place a large sturdy cushion between my legs and bring my knees up to my chest, as I see myself in the fetal position, being restored and rebirthed by a trustable and ancient force.  

During my change, I have experienced an emotional uproar, as nothing made sense.  There was no balance.  I felt overwhelmed, anxious, irrational and depressed.  And this is where I want to grab your/my hand and say "It's okay, baby crone, this must happen.  This is very, very good.  Just let it come, no problem.  Release yourself from the confines of this superficial world.  Go for it - I am with you!" 

If I/you want to get up at 4 am and write in the candlelight I/we can.  If you/I want to slurp tea at 3, we can.  If we/I want to listen to Tibetan Mantra all night long because we are journeying to the other world - we can. 

Take my hand beloved woman, it's trustable and honest.  I'll write for us.  I'll speak for us.  Speak back to me, tell me how it is.  I'm going through it naturally and have no intention to interfere with or delay its effects upon me. 

 

I am in the CHANGE, and I love it.  I am not afraid of growing old or dying.  Because I am coming into contact with something that the world could never bring.  I am coming into contact with fearlessness.  I am coming into contact with immortality.  I am coming into contact with Things As They Really Are.